the great outdoors with the criminally insane

I still haven't heard anything from any of the publishers I sent query letters to. And, okay, I only sent off submission letters to three publishers because I honestly don't have the energy to pull out Jeff Herman's Guide and work on actually MAILING out letters to publishers. I prefer email submissions; they're easier, save trees, and won't get lost in the mail like my rent check from this month (thanks again, Bank, for charging me $19.75 to stop that lost check).

I also thought that I would get a faster reply through email submission. This has not been the case. My theory is that since the unemployment rate is so high, all those people that said they were going to write a book, have lost their jobs and now have the time to write and are sending off submission letters and manuscripts and such. And they're probably the ones getting published. Which is great for them. Seriously. I'm way happy when other people get published and have their dreams come true. And, yes, I'm writing that to hopefully work up some karma brownie points. Plus, I watched, like, three hours of America's Funniest Home Videos today (I have no idea why) and laughed at people getting hurt, so I feel like I've made a major withdraw from my karma deposit and need to work on getting some credit back.

But I really am truly happy for dreams coming true for people who truly deserve it. And, if you've spent the time and energy to write a novel, then you deserve to have it published, even if it does suck.

Oh my God, someone publish me before I go crazy.

Oh, and speaking of crazy, have you all seen about the "criminally insane" (CNN's words, not mine; Fox News probably said he was a crazed liberal.. have I mentioned that I hate Fox News? Yes? Okay then.) guy in Washington state that ran away during a field trip with a group from a psychiatric hospital there?

Yes, they let criminally insane people go out on poorly supervised field trips in the wilderness of Washington. Like that's a good idea, like they won't escape... just because they're criminally insane doesn't mean that they're not spry motherfuckers. And I don't really know if the field trip was in the "wilderness of Washington" but in my mind, all of Washington looks like trees, rain, and vampires roaming around saving clumsy girls (clearly, I should live in Washington since I manage to hurt myself in new ways every day). Plus, it sounds better than saying that the field trip was through a flannel shirt factory or something lame like that.

Right, back on track. The criminally insane guy, because he is a spry motherfucker, escapes from the group. They find him so many hours/days later (I was only sort of listening to the news, so sue me) with a FUCKING SICKLE in tow.

A sickle, you guys. Do you know what those things look like? Imagine Captain Hook's hook on steroids and attached to the hand of a criminally insane man in the Washington wilderness.

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Yeah, fuck that.

Seriously, how is this not a horror movie? I don't really watch horror movies and even I know that this has all the classic elements of a horror movie...

Actually, it reminds me of the story that Dan Aykroyd told his twin daughters in the movie The Great Outdoors after the Uncle Chet (played by the fabulous John Candy) scares them with his tale of The Bald-Headed Killer Bear.

"I know that a terrifying story like that coming from the mouth of a recognized authority figure could be traumatizing to kids like yourselves. I know that because I had a similar situation with my Uncle Roy and a story he used to tell about a family who went into the woods and was attacked by a band of escaped Army psycho patients, who’d been subjected to violent, hellish torture behavior modification experiments. It seems they escaped from the metal boxes the Army kept them in, found this family in the woods, fell upon them, slaughtered them and ate them. Well now that story gave me nightmares not to be believed. So, no more thinking about bears, all right?"
- Roman, The Great Outdoors, 1988

By God, I love this movie.