21 things.

The other day, and this could have been any day for this happens a lot, Amber and I were complaining about our love lives because this is what girls do. Sorry guys, no sweaty pillow fights in skimpy pajamas. No, we bitch about things and then eat something greasy and/or deep-fried. This is the way of the Woman, and I am sorry to squash any dreams you might have ever had about us.

We have both realized that we have officially reached the age where things like previous marriages and kids can come into play when talking about guys in our age group. And that's terrifying. I then told her about this Alanis Morissette song (and I will someday be able to spell Alanis' last name right, with the proper amount of r's and t's without looking it up, so help me God) called "21 Things I Want in a Lover". I'm not a huge fan of this song but I've always liked the idea behind it. The gist of the song is that she has a list of, you guessed it, 21 things she wants in a lover.

I remember stealing this list and making my own a few years ago. And it was full of silly things that I'm too embarrassed to even discuss now. In my defense, I was young and foolish, okay? I was naive and gullible and just didn't play know better. These days though, that 21 things list has been narrowed down to just a few criticals...

1 - No kids. I cannot handle any baby-momma drama. Plus, I don't do well with kids. They don't get sarcasm and therefore we have no use for each other.
2 - No previous marriage... the verdict is still out on drunken Vegas weddings because, like Phoebe on Friends says, getting married in Vegas doesn't mean that you're married everywhere, just in Vegas.
3 - No drugs. I'm not against people doing drugs, but I just don't want to date someone who does. I know this makes me a hypocrite. And all I have to say to that is, duh. Yeah, duh. I just went 1994 on your ass. Tomorrow, I travel to 1991 when I make a comment about being gagged with a spoon.
4 - No smoking. It kinda grosses me out to kiss a guy who smokes. Plus there's that constant cigarette smell and I just can't handle it, okay?

Then there's the basics about how he can't be a smug arrogant bastard who is mean and kicks puppies. But, seriously, the things like him like Wedding Crashers as much as me and willing to let me win at a game of H.O.R.S.E. every now and then (not to mention to have a love for UK basketball but, come on, I live in Kentucky... most boys bleed blue here and I would never be so foolish as to like a UofL fan in the first place) have kind of been put on the back burner just because I really can't handle the thought of dating a guy who has a kid.

This growing up business sucks.

Robbie: I remember this one time we were flying to the Grand Canyon and I had never been there before and Linda had, so you would think that she would give me the window seat, but she didn't... and not that that's a big deal, you know. It's just that there were a lot of little things like that. I know that sounds stupid...

Julia: Not at all. I think it's the little things that count.
- The Wedding Singer, 1998