cover letters and the one size fits all thong.

I'm trying to write a cover letter for a job application. Well, I should say I was trying to write a cover letter for a job application. Turns out I don't have a very long attention span.

At least the resume is done. Well, mostly done. Sort of. And I still need two more references, and to ask the other reference if I can use her as a reference. Did I mention that this job application closes October 4? Eep.

Gah, this thing is miserable to write. It's so narcissistic and nothing but a page full of bragging. And I don't do that well! You who know me know that my self-esteem is in the garbage underneath rotten banana peels and leftover Chinese food. And, yes, I know how to do this job I'm applying for well, really well. But to go on and on and rave about how well I know it? That makes me hate myself a little inside. I mean, I'm going to write it. I have to.

But I'm not going to like it.

But I will say that I DO like involuntarily being on Victoria's Secret's mailing list to get on the sweet deals they offer. Seriously, if you're a girl, it's not a bad idea to get on Victoria's Secret's mailing list. Or if you're a dude who wants to buy his gal some skimpy undies. Or if you're a dude who just likes to wear skimpy undies (hey, who am I to judge?). In the past two months, I've received two coupons for free undies from Victoria's Secret with no purchase necessary, not to mention rebates and other discounts.

No purchase necessary. Come on, you guys. That means "free", which translates into "awesome".

The most recent free pair of undies are thongs. I'm not a fan of thongs in general, but you can bet that I am not about to turn down free anything. Especially not a free pair of panties that normally cost $16. That's just madness - both parts, the thought of rejecting them and them being sixteen bucks.

During yesterday's excursion to the mall (where I spent $60 total 0n a pair of Levi jeans, a jacket, two button-up shirts, and nine tank tops; feel free to be impressed), I went in to redeem the free thong. The over-courteous sales lady pointed me in the direction of a table full of thongs. I picked the color I wanted and went to look for my size but, and this totally threw me, they were all marked one-size-fits-all.

One size fits all. This is underwear, not a fucking scarf, Victoria's Secret.

I'm still completely baffled by this because, honestly, there's no way those things are truly "one size fits all". I trust you've seen their mannequins in shop windows - a pair of undies that fits those things that look like no actual human woman is not going to "fit all". I got my free pair anyway, just to see if they would really fit... and because they were free.

Well, they do fit. But, really, they're not "one size fits all". I mean, they're not going to fit everyone. And, I don't know, but I feel like some angry woman who has just had the last shred of her self-esteem tap-danced on by looking through a recent issue of Vogue with its stick-like models that have been airbrushed to pieces could roll up into Victoria's Secret, buy a pair of these so-called 'one size fits all' undies and go home to find that they don't fit. And, in a fit of rage, she could probably sue for false advertising... or kill people, but I like to think that no one out there would go on a killing spree over underwear. That would just be ridiculous. And can you imagine the headlines? Angry Woman Gets Her Panties in a Twist ... What's Up Her Butt? ... Woman Gets Cheeky with a Shotgun ... Boxers or Bullets? ...

Shit. Now I want someone to sue Victoria's Secret just so I can see these headlines come to life.

here comes the crazy

First things first. I am not obsessed with getting married. I actually hate going to weddings and think that they're a huge waste of money. Plus, I know that if I ever get married, I will turn into the biggest Bridezilla control freak bitch to ever walk the earth and I don't want to unleash that monster out on anyone.

Having said all of this, I am obsessed with looking at wedding photos. And I really think that this
is the cutest fucking thing ever.

In my defense, I wasn't actively searching for wedding photos. I'm kind of a creeper but give me some credit. StumbleUpon sent me to that website several months ago and I thought it was adorable and, after watching an episode of Say Yes to the Dress today, I decided to dredge up the site to admire the quirkiness that this couple has. Not one little bit of that wedding was traditional. And I love it.

Then there are the times that I go through my Facebook "friends" wedding photo albums and critique certain aspects of their wedding because I'm a bitch. And it should be said that I have some friends on Facebook that I truly dislike. Think of The Grinch going through the phone book hating the Whos alphabetically in Ron Howard's How the Grinch Stole Christmas:

"Hate. Hate. Hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely."

But, generally, I like my Facebook friends. And I only judge the wedding photos of the people I don't like. Mostly because I'm certain that I could do a better job put to the task, and probably with a smaller budget... and not because my bias is getting in the way, but because I'm a crafty, not to mention frugal, little bitch.

This is why I think I could be a wedding planner. Putting together a wedding is difficult. Putting together a good wedding is damn near impossible without professional help. Putting together a good wedding with money left over is something that only I can do. Seriously, I think I'm going to become a wedding planner for those ballin' on a budget.

Yes, this idea really did just come to me. Not becoming a wedding planner, but becoming one that works exclusively with couples trying to have a beautiful wedding but not shelling out thousands and thousands of dollars. I mean, there are tons and tons of websites that offer tips and tricks to save money on weddings but having someone know ALL of those things and being able to work face-to-face with the bride and groom and giving them the information straight up and offering ways to help out on their big day. How much more special would the day feel if they knew that they had put it together themselves and how much money was saved in the process?

Come on, we're living in tough times. The last thing anyone wants to worry about is an astronomical wedding bill.

Okay, maybe that's not the last thing someone really wants to worry about, but still. Let me live in my little dream world.

And I realize that I couldn't charge a lot at No-Nonsense Nuptials (yes, I gave my fake company a name, and you can't judge me because you've read this ridiculousness up to at least this point) because, really, the whole point of it is to save the bride and groom money. That's why I could also offer my creative services at additional small fees that would cost a ton anywhere else, or be too time consuming for the bride and groom to do because, let's be serious, they're getting married, they don't have time to make roses out of crepe paper for a centerpiece to go at Table 9, where the groom's uncle Marty, who suffers from severe allergies, is going to sit.

I think this is a good idea. I have no idea how to get started. Which is why I think should hire a life planner. Do they make those? Are they cheap to hire? Could I perhaps create this career as well and incorporate it into No-Nonsense Nuptials as like a type of pre-wedding counseling? If so, the life planner will have to come up with his own clever name that will need to be whimsical and full of alliteration.

And I feel it needs to be said again: I am not obsessed with getting married. And I do hate going to weddings, but I think if I went to a wedding tha I was able to help with and even save the bride and groom money, then I would really enjoy it. And so would everyone else.

sir, one more outburst and i will strangle you with my microphone wire

After careful consideration and a lot of complaining, I've decided to quit grad school. Why? Because taking online classes blow. I mean, I totally see why any normal person would love them: you can take notes, do assignments, and talk to your professor from the comfort of your bed. And, okay, some people taking face-to-face classes talk to their professors from the comfort of their own bed.

But none of that is for me. Especially the professor-in-my-bed part.

So I've decided to drop out of the library sciences program and pursue other endeavors. True that I have no idea what these other endeavors are just yet, but I'm going to pursue them, dammit. I do have some thoughts on what I'd like to do:

1 - Become a wedding planner.
I could do this job, and do it well. I'm terribly organized when it comes to work, and that's needed in this field. Plus, I work well with people, even crazy/bitchy/teary-eyed brides and their mothers who are even more crazy/bitchy/teary-eyed than their daughters. And I do my best thinking and working under extreme pressure. Why else do you think I waited until the night before to start a history paper?

Because you're really fucking lazy, Crystal, that's why.

Anyway, I could do this job, and do it well. Plus it would give me tons of experience for books, which leads me to number 2...

2 - Try to get a novel or fifty published and then turned into a movie.
I think I read somewhere that only 2% of novels get turned into movies. I don't know if this includes the made-for-TV movies they show on Lifetime or not. But, at this point in the game, i would totally settle for having Lifetime pick up the rights to my novel. I don't really know why they would want to, but who am I to stop them from paying me for it?

3 - Marry rich.
Hey, just because I admire Elizabeth Bennett marrying purely for love doesn't mean I have to have her same morals.

4a - Start playing the lottery.
This is Part One of a plan. And pretty self-explanatory. Let's continue.
4b - Win the lottery.
That Powerball jackpot gets up there sometimes. I just need to win it. I could totally survive on $80 million.

5 - Take my lottery winnings and pay for my books to be made into movies.
Ha!

If I do become a wedding planner, I'm making sure this guy gets hired for all the receptions:

Father of the Bride: Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to share your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.
Robbie: Well, I have a microphone, and you don't, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!
- The Wedding Singer, starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. If you turn on your television set, it's probably on right now.