the difference between a book deal and a rejection letter? lipstick.

Most everyone knows about this already since I tend to broadcast every little event of my life out into the world via Facebook, Twitter (which I still haven't fully figured out the point of, by the way), or just from one of my outbursts, like the one I had today discovering the newest "author" to be published with Harper Collins:

"HARPER COLLINS IS PUBLISHING SARAH fucking PALIN'S BOOK WHILE AVON REJECTED ME?!?!?!"

The "fucking" is in lowercase since I was at work at didn't feel comfortable saying it loudly. Just consider it to come out sounding more like "fumcdging" since I also tried to muffle it and ended up sounding like Joe Pesci in Home Alone.

So, there's the news. I got my first rejection letter. Or, should I say, my first rejection email. I wasn't surprised or anything. I assumed Avon wouldn't want me since they're one of their most well-known publishers of romance fiction, but it still hurt.

I mean, would it have killed them to address the thing with "Dear Crystal" rather than "Dear Writer"? Of course, they apologized about the informality of the letter since they're so swapped with query letters.

Oh, I'm sorry, Avon. I hate that you're so busy killing authors' dreams that you can't bloody personalize a soul-crushing email.

Bastards.

Okay, they're probably not really bastards. But, I'm not sure since Avon falls under the Harper Collins umbrella, and Harper Collins is publishing Sexy Sarah's book. And I know that publishing companies take on the big names like Sarah Palin and Lauren Conrad (yes, I just grouped those two together and no, I don't think it's a far stretch... and that's not supposed to be complimentary for either person) for book deals partly because the money generated can be used to publish lesser known and new authors. I get that. I SO get that. However, I would be more likely to support it if they would publish this new author.

Or if they decided to publish someone other than Sarah Palin. Like, if they published Chelsea Handler's books, for example. Or if I became famous and they published my books... which would be fucking awesome. I choose that option.

the great outdoors with the criminally insane

I still haven't heard anything from any of the publishers I sent query letters to. And, okay, I only sent off submission letters to three publishers because I honestly don't have the energy to pull out Jeff Herman's Guide and work on actually MAILING out letters to publishers. I prefer email submissions; they're easier, save trees, and won't get lost in the mail like my rent check from this month (thanks again, Bank, for charging me $19.75 to stop that lost check).

I also thought that I would get a faster reply through email submission. This has not been the case. My theory is that since the unemployment rate is so high, all those people that said they were going to write a book, have lost their jobs and now have the time to write and are sending off submission letters and manuscripts and such. And they're probably the ones getting published. Which is great for them. Seriously. I'm way happy when other people get published and have their dreams come true. And, yes, I'm writing that to hopefully work up some karma brownie points. Plus, I watched, like, three hours of America's Funniest Home Videos today (I have no idea why) and laughed at people getting hurt, so I feel like I've made a major withdraw from my karma deposit and need to work on getting some credit back.

But I really am truly happy for dreams coming true for people who truly deserve it. And, if you've spent the time and energy to write a novel, then you deserve to have it published, even if it does suck.

Oh my God, someone publish me before I go crazy.

Oh, and speaking of crazy, have you all seen about the "criminally insane" (CNN's words, not mine; Fox News probably said he was a crazed liberal.. have I mentioned that I hate Fox News? Yes? Okay then.) guy in Washington state that ran away during a field trip with a group from a psychiatric hospital there?

Yes, they let criminally insane people go out on poorly supervised field trips in the wilderness of Washington. Like that's a good idea, like they won't escape... just because they're criminally insane doesn't mean that they're not spry motherfuckers. And I don't really know if the field trip was in the "wilderness of Washington" but in my mind, all of Washington looks like trees, rain, and vampires roaming around saving clumsy girls (clearly, I should live in Washington since I manage to hurt myself in new ways every day). Plus, it sounds better than saying that the field trip was through a flannel shirt factory or something lame like that.

Right, back on track. The criminally insane guy, because he is a spry motherfucker, escapes from the group. They find him so many hours/days later (I was only sort of listening to the news, so sue me) with a FUCKING SICKLE in tow.

A sickle, you guys. Do you know what those things look like? Imagine Captain Hook's hook on steroids and attached to the hand of a criminally insane man in the Washington wilderness.

+
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Yeah, fuck that.

Seriously, how is this not a horror movie? I don't really watch horror movies and even I know that this has all the classic elements of a horror movie...

Actually, it reminds me of the story that Dan Aykroyd told his twin daughters in the movie The Great Outdoors after the Uncle Chet (played by the fabulous John Candy) scares them with his tale of The Bald-Headed Killer Bear.

"I know that a terrifying story like that coming from the mouth of a recognized authority figure could be traumatizing to kids like yourselves. I know that because I had a similar situation with my Uncle Roy and a story he used to tell about a family who went into the woods and was attacked by a band of escaped Army psycho patients, who’d been subjected to violent, hellish torture behavior modification experiments. It seems they escaped from the metal boxes the Army kept them in, found this family in the woods, fell upon them, slaughtered them and ate them. Well now that story gave me nightmares not to be believed. So, no more thinking about bears, all right?"
- Roman, The Great Outdoors, 1988

By God, I love this movie.

a talk with the universe.

So my "Crystal, You Dumbass, Don't Buy That" list is slowly unraveling.

And, by slowly, I mean that I bought three seasons of television on DVD last night at Target because I have no fucking self control.

But, it was season six of The Golden Girls for nine dollars! You best believe that, if they had the other seasons in stock (which were all nine dollars as well, and the reason why they were sold out), I would have bought the whole series. I also purchased the first two seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer because, evidently, I want to make myself even more unattractive to the opposite sex and stay single forever. And, if that doesn't do the trick, I also bought oodles of scrapbooking supplies.

I swear, if I take up knitting, someone kill me.

As long as I don't go on a shopping spree these next two weekends, I should be able to get my savings account back on track. I was doing fine up until I got hit with a $200 pet deposit and a verbal lashing from the landlady on Monday.

This not spending money for the next two weeks should go well since I've just got approximately 20 publishers to contact/bribe/beg. I have to get published, you guys. I really believe that if you want something bad enough and if you try, then it will happen. And, maybe I should do what that book The Secret says to do and put what I want out there in the Universe.

Hey, Universe, I want to be a published author.

Okay, I've never read The Secret, but I'm pretty sure that was one of the steps. Another step probably says not to be a smart ass about the other steps.

Oh God, what if I had to give up sarcasm in order to get a book deal? Talk about Sophie's Choice...

o canada, we stand on guard for thee... as long as you give me a book deal

I sent out my very first query letter today.

It kind of made me want to throw up a little bit. And, until I get a reply (read: rejection), every time I see that little envelope at the bottom of my work computer, it's going to feel like someone's punched me in the gut.

After I get that email, which I'm going to assume will be a rejection because, really, what are the odds of me sending out only one query letter and getting a positive response back? Not to mention that I sent the letter to my dream publishing company. Yeah, once I get that rejection back, then I'm going to mass email/mail query letters to every publishing company in the United States. And maybe Canada.

I think they would like me in Canada. I mean, I like maple syrup and I know some of their national anthem, thanks largely in part to that episode of That 70's Show where the boys are trying to bring a Vista Cruiser's worth of beer into the US and get stopped by the Mounties.

Now no one can say that me watching hours of mind-numbing TV has never taught me anything or not done me any favors. It may very well indeed get me a book deal in Canada.

Fez: just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Kelso: Well, that's Canada... Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk or puttin' maple syrup on their ham.
- That 70's Show

Remind me that, if I get a book deal with a Canadian publisher, it would be a good idea to delete this blog entry.