the perfect movie credentials.

I just Tweeted that Miss Congeniality is the perfect movie. I realize that I could catch some serious slack from that, but I have my reasons. Miss Congeniality has all the things that make a movie great: a makeover, shit that blows up, and a happy ending.

Now that I think about, makeovers, explosions, and happy endings are only part of the cocktail that makes a perfect movie. For a perfect movie, you need the following items, shaken, not stirred:

1 - A makeover.

It's superficial, I know, but so is Hollywood. The first that come to mind are The Princess Diaries and Pretty Woman, both stellar movies directed by Gary Marshall. The fact that Gary Marshall is awesome (if I ever become an actress, I want to star in a Gary Marshall film) makes it okay that these movies lack explosives.

Oh, yeah, there are amendments to these rules. I don't know what these amendments are until I make them up but, hey, one of the key features of the perfect movie is to keep the audience on their toes. The Perfect Movie Credentials (PMCs) should do the same.

2 - Explosives and/or Guns.

Yeah, that's right. Girls like movies where shit blows up. My favorite stuff blowing up movie? Independence Day. Which features many of the PMCs that will be mentioned, but no makeovers.

3 - A Happy Ending.

Duh.

4 - Keeps the Audience on Their Toes/Wanting More.

The rule to this is that, if you give the audience more in terms of a sequel, then it better not suck. That's right, I'm looking at you Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay. I love Kal Penn and even I had trouble making my way through that movie. But the first movie kept audiences' attention and, if you're my friend Vinnie, on the movie theater floor laughing, despite makeovers and explosions.

5 - Music
This PMC gets subcategories because I'm the one making this list.
5a - Music in the form of a killer soundtrack.
-- This award would go to Juno, for a great soundtrack that's just too damn quirky not to like.
5b- Music in the form of spontaneous singing.
-- Grease. Obviously. And Grease has a makeover and a happy ending, though I can't forget how angry the ending of that movie made my grandma who thought it was wrong that Sandy changed herself for Danny. Clearly, my grandma was a smart lady.
5c - Music in the form of intentional singing.
-- Coal Miner's Daughter and Walk the Line fulfill this need. They also fulfill the need of being about artists that are listed in my "favorite music" on Facebook. Honorable mention in this PMC goes to The Wedding Singer and the song "Somebody Kill Me Please".

6 - Quotability.

Every movie needs at least one line. And maybe this is just me being a movie quote whore, but I like being able to hear a line from a movie and knowing immediately what movie it is. Things like "Now, that's what I call high-quality H2O" or "No Stairway? De-nied." It should be said that the quotes don't have to be poignant and meaningful, just memorable.

7 - Humor.

It doesn't have to be like The Hangover and have me laughing from start to finish, but every movie should have a few zingers because, otherwise, what's the point? Some of the best in this category are National Treasure (did you guys honestly think I would use the words "perfect" and "movie" in a blog entry and not include the words "National Treasure"?) and Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. And I realize that these both are Disney/Jerry Bruckheimer babies as well as having less than wonderful sequels (I like to think that Pirates stopped after the first movie), but they're still able to throw in the funny without being stupid.

With these PMCs and me too lazy to write any more, I've concluded that the only perfect movie is Some Like It Hot.
And I know that there's some argument in that, especially since some people don't like Marilyn Monroe's acting (and even though I love Marilyn, she was horribly messed up during the filming of Some Like It Hot. So much so, in fact, that she had to read some lines off cue cards, and this did hurt her acting.), but it has all the PMCs:

Makeovers? Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon crossdress.
Explosions/Guns? Tony and Jack dress as women in order to hide out from the mob after they witness a murder. It's the mob, obviously there are guns.
A Happy Ending? Without giving anything away, yep.
Keep the Audience on Their Toes/Wanting More? Totally. Jack and Tony are hysterical.
Music? Marilyn Monroe is the singer in the all-woman band that Jack and Tony join.
Quotability? "Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop." and "Well, nobody's perfect."
Humor? Jack Lemmon was hilarious when he wasn't dressed in drag. Him masquerading as a woman is just hysterical. And so is the movie. It's fantastic.

And, I feel better about this decision after just reading the trivia for the movie on imdb.com. The American Film Institution ranked it #1 in the 100 Funniest Movies and #14 on 100 Greatest Movies.

More than anything else, I think making this list means that I should work for the American Film Institution. I wonder how one would go about enlisting their services with that...

so many movies

There's a video store here called Tops n Video. Based on the name alone, I always assumed that they rented out smutty films to fifteen-year-old boys with fake IDs, and I had no need of ever going in there and thus avoided the place entirely.

Now, thank to Netflix, RedBox, and all the porn out there on the interwebs, Tops n Video is being forced to go out of business and write on their windows with chalk that 'everything must go' and 'DVDs: $5.99/3 for $15/10 for $40'.

Porn or no porn, I clearly had to go in there and see if I could find any sweet deals.

You know that 10 for $40 deal I mentioned? Yeah, I did that. Actually, I got nine movies, Hattie got the tenth one. Oh, but never fear, I went to Wal-Mart after that and bought He's Just Not That Into You since I have no fucking self-control.

So, what did I buy at Tops n Video?

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
American Pie
American Pie 2
Ocean's 13
Pocahontas
Anchorman (I'm not entirely sure that I don't already own this one)
Elf
Dirty Dancing
... and there's another movie. Gah, what was it? This is like trying to name all the seven dwarfs or all my grandpa's thirteen siblings; I always forget someone.

It'll come to me later, I'm sure. Like, when I get home and find the bag they're all tucked away in since I was too tuckered out spending money on buying them yesterday to put them in my DVD case properly.

I have two of those huge CD carrying cases that I have devoted just to DVDs. One holds TV series and the other movies, both are in alphabetical order and, in the case of the TV series and movie series, chronologically. I like to think that this is an intelligent, logical way to organize a collection and not a way of displaying my anal-retentive, slight-OPCD tendencies to the world. Some would beg to differ and call me ridiculous.

But it's not so ridiculous when you have no trouble finding Season 2, Disc 4 of Friends or Walk the Line, now is it?

Dick: I guess it looks as if you're reorganizing your records. What is this though? Chronological?
Rob: No...
Dick: Not alphabetical...
Rob: Nope...
Dick: What?
Rob: Autobiographical.
Dick: No fucking way.
- High Fidelity, one of those movies that's just as good as the book

heart movies.

After I didn't illegally download the song "Heart Songs" by Weezer the other night, I have realized how fantastic that song is. If you don't believe me, go buy the song off iTunes, Amazonmp3, etc and have a listen.

While listening to the song, which chronicles the music that Rivers Cuomo grew up on and the songs that are so close to his heart, I decided to make a little list of my own. Not with songs (that will probably be the next post), but with movies. I mean, this is a movie blog after all. Well, it sort of is... sometimes... when I'm not ranting about stupid stuff... or talking about my undying love for Isaac Hanson...

Now, without further ado, I present to you Crystal's Heart Movies:

1 - The Little Mermaid, 1989
You can deny all you want, but you know that you love this movie. Even if it, like another Disney movie that I love and may appear later on this list (by the way, I'm making this list up as I go), almost crosses the line into beastiality. I used to be all about this movie when I was a kid. I had the backpack, the sweatshirt, the shoes, and my mom even quilted an Ariel blanket for my cousin Sarah. My mom claims that she made one for me as well but I have no recollection of it. Now I'm not saying that my mother lied to me, her only child, her own flesh and blood, but I don't remember an Ariel blanket of my own.
ps. The remix of "Kiss the Girl" by Certified Bananas is made of win.
pps. Remember to look for the priest's "happiness" when he's marrying Eric and Ursela.


2 - The Goonies, 1985
I.Love.The.Goonies. Mouth is one of my favorite people. And this movie made me love Josh Brolin until he terrified the living hell out of me in Grindhouse. The Goonies is my mom and mine's 'go-to' movie. Rather, it was our 'go-to' movie until lightning came in on the TV at the house and made it immune to DVD players, that is.
For the win:
"You guys are crazy. There's a funny farm with your names written all over it. But I'm out of here. I... I smell ice cream."
- Chunk, another one of my favorite people



3 - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, 1989
I saw the beginning of this movie by accident many moons ago. I was with my grandma at the theaters to see a movie (I feel like it might have been The Little Mermaid, actually), and we went into the wrong theater where the cartoon beginning of this movie started. Realizing the error, we retreated and went into the proper theater. It turned out that this became one of my grandma's favorite movies. It's one of my favorites too, not only because of the line "We're going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny-fuckin'-Kaye', but because I remember all the times my grandma and I watched this movie together. And, yes, I watch this Christmas movie all year through. Ditto Home Alone. I also listen to Hanson's Christmas album occassionaly in May and September as well. I'm pretty sure I'm not okay.



4 - The Wedding Singer, 1998
Okay, do me a favor. Go to your television set and turn it to VH1. Chances are The Wedding Singer is playing right now. If it is, watch it. If it isn't, check back in a few hours; it should be on. The Wedding Singer really is a stupid movie. But it's a stupid movie that I love (see also: Twister, Titanic, and The 'Burbs). I'm pretty much content with life whenever there's an Adam Sandler or Drew Barrymore movie on. The Wedding Singer brings two of my favorites together for a hour of laughs and sing-a-longs because you know, just as well as I do that you yell out the lines "oh somebody kill me please/somebody kill me please/I'm on my knees/pretty pretty please kill me" right along with Robbie Hart. If you're shaking your head and saying 'No, Crystal, I don't do that', then you're lying, you liar.



5 - The Princess Diaries, 2001
Maybe it's my crush on Robert Schwartzman, my desire to be BFFs with Anne Hathaway, my wish to be in a Garry Marshall film, or my love for all things Meg Cabot, but I can pretty much watch The Princess Diaries anytime. And why not? It's an adorable movie. And, even though Mia's fifteen, I can totally relate to her:

"I'm still waiting for normal body parts to arrive!"
- HRH Mia Thermopolis

I highly recommend reading The Princess Diaries series as well. Because, for one, her dad isn't dead. They only killed him off for the movie so that Julie Andrews could play the part of Grandmere. And, because I'm a dorky Meg Cabot fan and have listened to her Romance Writers keynote speech, I know that the dad in The Princess Diaries books was based on her father who passed away. When Disney asked if they could kill of Mia's dad to enlarge the grandmother's role, Meg Cabot asked who the actress was. Upon learning that it was Julie Andrews, Meg Cabot replied, "Kill the dad!"

Yes, I know far too much about things that will never make me rich.



This concludes (what is probably) Part I of Crystal's Heart Movies. Stay tuned for more.

Oh, and because my love for Robert Schwartzman is as deep as the ocean:

drink up me heartys, yo ho

So, I'm watching Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (I like to think that this was the only movie since the second and third movies were made of suck) and don't get how the British navy see the skeleton pirates and think "Oh, hey, these guys are skeletons. Shooting them should kill them."

I mean, really. And, I know, I know, it's a movie, but still. It's stupid.

And, by the way, Orlando Bloom is a miserable actor. At least he's nice to look at.


Will: You You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I'd kill you.
Captain Jack Sparrow: That's not much incentive for me to fight fair, then, is it?
- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Okay, so new dilemma. I need help. Now, back in the day, I used to know my way around some HTML. Such is not the case anymore. And I'm trying to set up this little space of internet into something nice, that people will be happy to bring their friends too and such. I have the new little graphic and a basic background and everything but the damn posts and widgets and whatnot are not aligned. I know it's not just me checking this page out and I'm sure some of you out there are wicked awesome with some coding or, at the very least, now of a good site that has code set up where all you have to do is plug in your color preferences and such. If somebody wants to present me with this stuff, I would be totally in your debt.

And I would also have a bitchin' blog.

i'll have what she's having

It's a Friday night and I'm sitting in my apartment alone with a half-eaten pizza by my side and When Harry Met Sally playing on the television.

Ah, the glamorous life of a single girl.

It's odd that I like When Harry Met Sally so much since I'm not a fan of horror movies. I deem it a horror film because the thought of Billy Crystal having sex sickens and scares me more than I can possibly say. And Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan totally do It in this movie. Oh, they don't show it (thank God), but it's definitely implied, and that's enough to make it a horror flick.

"Had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount."
- Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally

I say all this to make me feel better about watching one of the most classic and overrated chick flicks known to mankind while single and all but inhaling a greasy delicious pizza.

Eh, I'm pathetic, whatever. I'll watch something really cool after this, I promise, and not Never Been Kissed or The Princess Diaries or any other movie that features The Backstreet Boys on the soundtrack. I'll watch Old School or Ocean's 11 or something that will let me redeem at least a little bit of my pride.

voodoo lady.

"Well, say what you will about spirits; I always thought you could learn something from them."
- The Skeleton Key

The Skeleton Key, 2005, starring Kate Hudson and Gena Rowlands aka the old lady that makes you cry in The Notebook.

Despite the fact that Kate Hudson is in it, The Skeleton Key is an all right movie. Especially if you find all that 'hocus-pocus-mumbo-jumbo' interesting... which I just so happen to. Seriously, you can ask anyone who has known me more than twenty minutes; I like Hanson and going on ghost adventures. It's just who I am.

I also love the song "Voodoo Lady" by Ween and find that it's necessary to mention this song since it rarely can be brought up in conversation without being thrown in from way out in left field.

So, what have we learned today?
Go watch The Skeleton Key and listen to "Voodoo Lady". Or listen to Hanson. I'll value our friendship more if you listen to Hanson. And I'm not even joking about that.

This is the best way to watch a movie, especially if that's marshmallow popcorn they're snacking on.