an apple a day makes me want to cry.

How do I manage to fuck up everything that Mac creates?

Seriously. It's like I have this magical talent to screw up Apple products. Products that are supposed to be unscrewable.

I know unscrewable isn't a word, and is probably how must dudes feel about me, but let's just keep the lid tightly vacuumed-sealed on that can of worms right now.

First it was sophomore year when I got a crash course in Mac for an online magazine I was writing for. The instructor was all "Macs are the best computer because Steve Jobs has a penis made out of gold blah blah blah Macs never freeze up like Windows" which is about the time I got the Spinning Beach Ball of Doom on the computer I was using.

Being an avid Windows user (only because I'm too poor to purchase a MacBook), I gave the guy a How-Now-Brown-Cow look. He freaked out and was like "This never happens" to which I replied coolly, "Yeah, about that."

Fast-forward to the present and my THIRD attempt to download iTunes 9 to my computer because irrational, irresponsible me bought an iTouch today because people in WalMart made me angry enough to blow $295. And, just to make sure that none of my tax refund survives this weekend, I also bought an external hard drive because I have Windows and unlike greater-than-thou Macs, Windows crashes. A lot. And I have a lot of shit on this computer that I don't want to lose.

So, got my new iTouch, plug it into my computer, do a little dance because I'm six-year-old-with-a-new-bike-for-Christmas excited, and then my computer tells me to download iTunes 9. Fine. No big deal. I've been needing to do that for awhile anyway.

Three hours and a headache later, I'm on my THIRD download of the damn program since it refuses to install on my cheap ass, not a MacBook computer.

WHAT IN THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU STEVE JOBS?!?!?!?

Update. Upon trying to install my third update of the damn iTunes 9, I get this message: "The application has failed to start because its side-by-side configuration is incorrect."

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!

I'm taking the iPod back and getting a Zune.