guilt and city grime

Survived New York. I didn't get mugged, North Korea didn't bomb the place like my grandpa thought they would, and Robert Pattinson was nowhere to be seen.

I did do a good job and only hurt myself once while I was there. You can hardly tell where I cut my nose with my fingernail now.

The trip was so much fun and I'm eager to go back. I've talked about it so much to so many people that retelling what all we did at this point just seems too much. But I will show you this:


1) Yes, I know that those sunglasses make my nose look huge. While I tend to be attracted to guys with larger noses (I'm weird, I know), I like my nose the way it is, and it is NOT as big as those sunglasses make it appear.

2) That building behind me. If you think it looks like the exterior shot of Monica and Rachel's apartment from Friends, then you would be correct. I can't tell you how happy I was to find that apartment. I dragged Jessica around for longer than she probably wanted to put up with me to find it, but I found it. Sadly, I did not find my Chandler anywhere nearby.

3) Also, my hair is red now. I took the plunge and dyed it. Just a semi-permanent where it will wash out in 20 or so washes. My hair has been jacked up ever since and am going through 'hair detox' all over again.

4) This wasn't supposed to be a laundry list type of blog entry. Oh well, too late now. Realized that I get a strange thrill in hailing taxis. And while most of the drivers tried to cheat us out of money and not counting the last driver who took us back to the airport, they were fairly nice. Not at all what I thought New York cab drivers would be like.

5) Bought a purse in Chinatown. I still have mixed feelings about it. It's really pretty but every time I look at it, I think about a sad little Chinese grandma sitting in a dank basement somewhere sewing purses together with her aching arthritic fingers for pennies a day. Am slowly starting to think of all my clothing that way actually. But especially that purse.

6) Didn't find Robbie Rob (my nickname for Robert Pattinson), and don't think we didn't look for him. We stalked New York like we were rabid fifteen-year-old girls.

7) And, speaking of acting like fifteen-year-olds, there were Harry Potter movie posters EVERYWHERE. It was beautiful. And I smiled like a madwoman every time I saw one in the subway or in Times Square.

8) Still feel like I haven't caught up on my sleep from the trip. Am dozing of while typing this off. But maybe that's because of something else that I really don't have the energy to discuss right now.

9) And, just as a cliffhanger that will never be resolved, I got a pleasant surprise yesterday that more than made up for what happened the day before that.

i'm packing heat!

TEN DAYS UNTIL NEW YORK!!!!

I'm proud of myself for waiting this long to start packing. If my suitcases didn't smell like consignment store, I would have been packing stuff up a long time ago. After several showers in Febreeze, perfume, and vodka, the consignment store smell has faded significantly. It's still there though.

And yes, I totally sprayed vodka on my suitcases. It seemed to work better than the Febreeze did.

But man did I hate to just throw away fine vodka like that.

All right, fine, it was Burnett's vodka. But still, it could have got me drunk. Not that I have ever got drunk in the apartment before. I've tried, but I think the apartment makes me immune to liquor somehow.

Right. No more talk of me being on the road to alcoholism.

While waiting for the consignment store smell to fade out of my suitcases, I made a nice little checklist for New York. Ain't it lovely?


Everything not checked still has to be washed or is needed before next week. So, in all the time I spent packing, I only have a little make-up bag packed and a pair of flip-flops for the shower at the hotel. Yeah, did I mention that we're staying at a step-up from a hostel where we share a bathroom with other people? I think it will be fun. I've never stayed at a hotel like that before. And, okay, it's really not that different from a dorm. But it's a dorm in New York, not Kentucky.

Location, location, location.

In other, totally unrelated news, Meagan and I have decided to get a show on public access. Okay, I kind of decided for Meagan, but still, this show would be gold. It'd be like Wayne's World, but with girls offering snarky comments about their own lives and celebrities' lives and TV shows.

Don't lie. You know you would watch that shit.

idk? my bff anne?

My dream to become BFFs with Anne Hathaway is one step closer to becoming a reality.

Jessica, who I'm going to New York with, has informed me that Anne Hathaway is performing in Twelfth Night at Shakespeare in the Park while we'll be in town.

I hate Shakespeare. I don't know if it's the fact that all of those plays got crammed down my throat in high school, or if it's because that Shakespeare gets all the credit for all those things that he didn't write or what, but Shakespeare in the Park is a staple of New York culture.

And I really want to be friends with Anne Hathaway. Plus, she was in The Princess Diaries with Robert Schwartzman and, if you guys have read at least two of my blog entries, then you know that my love for Robert Schwartzman is as deep as the Mariana Trench. I'm sure that Anne and Rob still keep in contact. I mean, they both seem like really nice people who would keep the other's number in their Blackberries (Is that how the plural of Blackberry devices is spelled? Or should it be 'Blackberrys'? I don't know if it's different for fruit versus phone). And, if she really was my BFF, she would cleary see that Rob and I should be together and would be like, "Crystal. Here's Rob's number. Please call him immediately. You are clearly his lobster. Go to him now."

Look at how cute we would be together!

I definitely didn't Photoshop my face onto some other person's body in that picture. I would never do such a pathetic thing. Again. For the fiftieth time. And put my face on people who have nicer hair than me.

And if, God forbid, Rob and I don't work out (how could we not? I mean, look at us! We're adorable together), then Anne would be like, "Don't worry, girl. I've worked with Chris Pine, Adrian Grenier, and Chris Pratt. They'd all be perfect for you." Then we would put together our best date outfits and borrow each others necklaces and earrings because I know that everyone, even Anne Hathaway, wants to borrow the naked angel earrings I got this weekend at a yard sale.

By the way, I'm really not this crazy. And, also, this blog entry has created the best image searches ever.

new york, i love you

I do not do well with feeling overwhelmed. Oh, I can handle anything thrown at me (in time and not always in a pleasant mood), but if I can get a handle on whatever is making me feel overwhelmed (and I usually can) then I'm good. I mean, I totally thrive on working on things at the very last minute... in fact, my best papers in college were written at the last minute...

... okay, fine, ALL of my college papers were written at the last minute, but I digress.

Actually, I digress even more, but I have to share that I just tried to turn the TV up using the volume control on my laptop. Needless to say, the TV volume stayed the same. Not that it matters that I can't hear the television. It's on Pride and Prejudice and it's not like I can't quote that movie from beginning to end anyway.

Right, back on track.

Once I start planning and breaking down all the things that make me overwhelmed, I'm usually incredibly excited to seeing it to completion. This is why I think that I would make an excellent wedding planner. I like organizing, being at least partly in control of things, and seeing a pretty end result.

That still isn't the point of this blog.

This is:

I've been scouring the internet and reading books about what to do and what to see and where to shop in New York. My head is spinning from all that there is to do there. And all the different parts of Manhattan to visit (the Village, Chinatown, SoHo, Little Italy, Tifanny [I realize Tiffany isn't necessarily it's own little town, but... it's Tiffany], and so on) and it's making me dizzy. This is why I have decided to make a list of the different 'hoods in New York and places to see/shop/eat there. If I get in full-on Monica Gellar mode, I might even cross-reference this list by making a list of of sights, restaurants, and stores and where they are located. Because I am a crazy person...

I should fit right in in New York.

it's like you're always stuck in second gear

Instead of trying to relearn HTML and all that for this blog, I finally tracked down a program that does all the work for you. Ah, laziness. The American way.

http://www.wannabegirl.org/firdamatic/

That's what I done this page with. The code seems pretty basic, which means that I should be able to tweak it at some later date without too much headache.

I've spent a couple hours today with a map of New York and a pack of markers, trying to figure out where various locations (okay, clothing stores) are. I have decided that my phrase for the NYC trip will be "Where in the fuck is (whatever street we are looking for)." The inflection will be most prominent on the "in" and the "fuck" I'm pretty sure. And I feel that if I speak in this manner, I will be thought of as a regular New Yorker who just happens to lack a sense of direction.

I did find the location of a very important building that I want to visit while I'm in New York:

So look around, you guys. This was your first home. And it was a happy place. Full of love, and laughter. But more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin' steal!
- Chandler, Friends, The Last One

Yes, I consider the building where the characters from Friends lived to be an important building. Sadly, this is one of the things I am looking most forward to seeing on the trip. Well, this and about a million other things. I kind of want to go through all my books that take place in New York and look the restaurants, buildings, and stores up to see 1) if they even exist and 2) where they are located. Then when I can get back and have my pictures put on Facebook, I can be like, "And here I am at some random location that Heather Wells was at in Size 12 is Not Fat.

Poor Jessica (my travel buddy and Hanson concert partner-in-crime) has no idea what she's in for.

And, totally random: my cat is asleep at the foot of my bed and I am not lying one little bit when I say that she is snoring... louder than most humans.

it should take you exactly four seconds to cross from here to that door... i'll give you two!

I'm going to New York in July. Now, I do want to go sightseeing and look at Times Square and Trinity Church (and, okay, I only want to see that because it was in National Treasure... shut up, I don't have a problem) and Strawberry Fields and maybe even take the Staten Island ferry out to get a decent look at the Statue of Liberty without actually having to pay anything (the Staten Island ferry is free and won't take up four hours like a visit to Lady Liberty would).

But, you know what I'm most excited about?

The shopping.

I'm a girl, whatever. But, you guys don't even understand. I live for a good deal. As I was telling my roommate the other day, growing up is no fun since I have to pay my own medical bills... and you just can't catch a co-pay on sale or 50% off surgery... unless you have it done in Mexico, that is.

But, finding an Urban Outfitters purse that retails for 80 bucks at Rugged Warehouse for $3? That's beautiful. And, I don't mean like 'perfect cloudless day with the brightest sky you've ever seen' beautiful. I'm talking about 'there's a rainbow pouring down only purple Skittles and the boy you've crushed on forever finally admits his undying love for you while you find your latest novel has reached number one on the New York Times bestseller list and five production companies are fighting for the rights to make said book into a movie' beautiful.

Obviously I am a material girl living in a material world with rose-colored glasses on...

... but you can bet your sweet ass I got those rose-colored glasses on sale.

All right, I had a real point to this post.

Because I've never been to New York before, I don't know where to go for bargain shopping. This is where Google comes in. It is also where I lose what little faith I had left in Google. When I put "bargain shopping in new york" in the search engine, do you know what result I get?

KMart.

I am not even kidding you guys. KMart.

And I don't want to hate. But, seriously. KMart? What the hell? I didn't type "crappy shopping in Kentucky" in the search engine.

I'm so using Yahoo! from now on.

Holly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul: The mean reds? You mean like the blues?
Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul: Sure.
Holly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!
- Breakfast at Tiffany's

I totally plan to get some of those sunglasses, a black dress, and a Danish and recreate this photo while I'm in New York despite the fact that I look nothing like Audrey Hepburn. Dammit.